Walking with the Angel of Death

Here in the desert the moon curls around itself, playing in the shadows of the sandstone rocks. I hear the wind smoothing the jutting points of the solidified sand walls, caressing the rounded corners. Sagebrush and pinon mix their scent with the stars. Here each sandy footfall leaves an imprint to catch moonbeams. I grasp hold of a crag of sandstone, familiar roughness pushing into my palm, and pull my weight up to the ledge hidden behind. I have come here to die. As I stare into the night I see the veil between the worlds beckoning me with its thin fingers. There is no fear in this place, only gratitude. I finally see my life as the prayer it is. I bless each person in my life, all teachers. I curl the moon around me and fall asleep. Dreaming. A funeral filled with flowers and weeping. Who do you weep for? I ask the gathering , and with a start realize their grief is over my death. Dead. There is no way to communicate with any of my friends or family now, and looking at you I am so grateful for the times I said "I love you." Grateful for each person who touched my life, and for each life I touched in some way, no matter how small. I feel detatched and filled with unending love. My only sorrow is for the pain I feel in the room. I want to shout don't cry, I am still here with you in spirit, with Spirit. Don't grieve, celebrate the life we shared and live each moment of your life with joy. We are so much more than simply our physical form... Above me, the stars are scattered, glistening seeds of light. I am awake and alive, breathing in the breath of my ancestors and exhaling breath for those still to come. I rejoice in my physical body, feeling the sand and stone supporting my skin, my bones and muscles giving the skin structure. When I fall asleep again, it is the deep sleep of a child nestled in in the arms of her mother's endless love. My first sounds of the morning are waterfall laughter and don Miguel's chanting to welcome the sun. I stretch and smile to myself, remembering my vision of last night. Touching my hand to the ground, I honor this day as the gift it is, another day to love and learn, another day to simply be.

August 21, 1995, Cerrillos, New Mexico

This was the second day of a three-day intensive workshop called the Mastery of Transformation. Forty of us had gathered here in New Mexico to study with Don Miguel Ruiz, a Toltec shaman from Mexico. When I reach the main house, Don Miguel has finished chanting and asks the group to join hands in a circle. Last night he asked us to spend time letting go of any of our earthly ties and to prepare for death. Earlier in the week a friend told me: "I want death to stalk me, to be my constant companion, always just behind my back." "Why?" I asked him, confused and a little concerned about why he would want to purposefully invite death into his life. "Because if I can feel death with each step I take, I will fully embrace and love my life, knowing it is finite, a precious thing."

Now I nod slowly, feeling that truth in my life. I sit cross-legged on the earth, happily, eagerly, waiting for the Angel of Death to come take me. Leaning my upper body against Judy, who sits behind me and softly strokes my hair, I let my dream from last night fill my head again. I feel myself as pure spirit, ready to competely let go of all my attachments--to friends, family, material posessions, and even to myself, both to the self I think I am and the self I hope to become. I am willing to lay everything down before death, in hope of finding my true self. Impatiently I strain to look for Gina, the woman who is embodying the Angel of Death for the ceremony today. Why doesn't she come over here? I'm ready, I think to myself. I turn and watch Gary and send him my love as he walks slowly into the rock spiral which is being used as part of today's ceremony.

I glance to my right and see Don Miguel sauntering over to me. "Are you ready?" he asks, with that grin I know means he has something up his sleeve for me. "Yes," I say. "I'm waiting." "But you are so awake. We'll have to do something about that." Before I can reply he clamps his mouth over mine and I feel my lungs filling with his breath. "Ah, it's the kiss of the nagual," my mind says, relieved to have a name for what is happening to me. "I've heard about this..." Suddenly don Miguel seems to have a second pair of lungs, and he forcefully blows air through my mouth until I think my lungs will pop. My reason snaps, and I feel myself plummeting downward rapidly, with nothing to grasp onto. Falling, falling, fear filling my body, each cell constricted, as I fall deeper and deeper, out of control. I land and my legs collapse underneath me. Crouched down low, fear and shadows surround me. Am I dying? I wonder. I think about the Buddhists who rehearse their entire life to be calm and peaceful when death comes for them, since they believe whatever state one is in when they die will transfer to their next lifetime. Please, don't let the Angel of Death come take me now, I want to be filled with love, not this gripping fear. I struggle to find my center, to see through the darkness, the unclarity to find where the fear is coming from. But there doesn't seem to be one source; it surrounds me completely. I struggle in this place for a what seems hours, fighting with myself, hearing negative voices over and over in my head. All my self-destructive, self-hatred monsters have been unleashed in my head, and I feel I am losing the battle. Please don't let the Angel of Death come now, I pray. Finally I find the strength to pull myself back from this chaos, and I decide to trust this process, and to surrender myself completely to spirit. And only then do I find my real self slowly emerging from the shadows of my mind. I am a jaguar, sprinting through a forest. The ground is steady beneath my paws. The forest clears and I see a chasm ahead of me--my mind screams no! as I leap and begin falling. As I fall I become a snake, writhing through the air, and as I surrender to this new form I become an eagle and open my wings to the sun. I sit for a long time without opening my eyes, feeling energy swim through me in surges. I have become the eagle; I have become peace. And now the Angel of Death comes. I feel her silently approaching. "Are you ready?" she asks. I look up and see all the sky's love flooding into me through her blue, blue eyes. "Yes," I smile, and take her hand.

Read the September 2000 moon’s meditation to deepen your inner connection...